Why lobsters aren’t food

“Why lobsters aren’t food:
BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 26, 1996.)

I am pleased to report that the scientific community has finally stopped wasting time on the origins of the universe and started dealing with the important question, which is: Are lobsters really just big insects?

I have always maintained that they are. I personally see no significant difference between a lobster and, say, a giant Madagascar hissing cockroach, which is a type of cockroach that grows to approximately the size of William Howard Taft (1857-1930). If a group of diners were sitting in a nice restaurant, and the waiter were to bring them each a freshly killed, steaming-hot Madagascar hissing cockroach, they would not put on silly bibs and eat it with butter. No, they would run, retching, directly from the restaurant to the All-Nite Drive-Thru Lawsuit Center. And yet these very same people will pay $24.95 apiece to eat a lobster, despite the fact that it displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely:

1. It has way more legs than necessary.

2. There is no way you would ever pet it.

3. It does not respond to simple commands such as, “Here, boy!””

Author: Jorah

I grew up in New England, did a short stint in the U.S. Navy after high school, worked in various factories, built & renovated houses, and finally moved to the Carolinas in 1998 to start working at what was then a large regional bank and is now a really big nationwide bank. I work doing SharePoint management site management. After work I make soap, knit, ride my motorcycle, read, watch movies & eat. I ride a Yamaha V-Star 1300. I am pretty sure that I want to hike the Appalachian Trail someday, or possibly do a long-distance rowing trip. I'll be retiring in a few years, and hope to run a craft soap-making business to bring in some cash.