{"id":1225,"date":"2018-12-26T09:00:48","date_gmt":"2018-12-26T14:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=1225"},"modified":"2018-12-27T10:21:11","modified_gmt":"2018-12-27T15:21:11","slug":"feeling-overshadowed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=1225","title":{"rendered":"Feeling Overshadowed"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I responded to the question \u201cHow does one stop feeling bad and overshadowed by everyone else?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you are learning something difficult, try not to compare your progress with that of other students. It doesn’t help you, and only fosters a false pride or a false discouragement.\u201d <\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I wrote that statement a last year, while thinking about an incident that had happened a few weeks earlier. I had been training in a martial art for the last three years. I\u2019ve been struggling, because I\u2019m not naturally athletic, and I’m somewhat hapless and clumsy (and have been most of my life). I consider my progress to be slower than most students, and I\u2019ve come close to giving up several times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In early September last year, I traveled with our instructor and several other students to a weekend event in another state. At the event, I worked out with a person who was perhaps 15 years younger than I am, and based on how much they were struggling, I guessed that they had been practicing for six months or so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While we were training we chatted quietly, introducing ourselves. I asked them how long they\u2019d been at the training center, and they told me \u201csix years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was startled, but instantly had a feeling of pride that I was so much stronger in the art than they were, and in only about half the time. A few days later, I was thinking about this conversation and remembered a young woman who trained with us for a few weeks. This woman picked up everything she was taught almost instantly. Within three weeks of starting, she was doing better than I was. She remembered all of the techniques, her movements were fluid and well defined, and she never even seemed to be struggling. After less than two months, she stopped coming to class because the art didn\u2019t interest her enough for her to work it into her busy schedule.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remembered how discouraged I was when I had compared myself to her, for whom everything I struggled with came so easily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is when I realized how futile it is for me to compare myself with others. The fact that I am ‘better’ than one person, but not as skilled as another, doesn’t have any effect on my progress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know what you are feeling overshadowed in, whether it\u2019s something you\u2019re learning, something you\u2019re doing for work, some sort of sport, or whatever other activity, but let\u2019s say it\u2019s a topic you\u2019re studying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think about these questions, and consider how you would answer them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Why are you studying this topic? (whatever it is you\u2019re feeling overshadowed in). Is it to be \u201cthe best\u201d at it, or is it for work, or for personal satisfaction? In my case, I realized that I\u2019m studying this art for my own improvement. There are no awards for being better than anyone else. Even if there were, I\u2019m not very competitive, so that wouldn\u2019t interest me. When you\u2019re tempted to compare yourself (which you are probably doing at some level, or you wouldn\u2019t be using terms like \u201covershadowed by\u201d), remind yourself of your true goal in studying the topic. It\u2019s probably not to be \u201cthe best\u201d (however you define that), so, honestly, why does it matter if someone else is better at it than you are?<\/li>
  2. If no other person in the world knew you were studying this topic, would you keep studying it? Answering this question may help you understand your true motivation. If you\u2019re secretly hoping for recognition, you may discover that recognition isn\u2019t a good enough goal to keep you moving forward. Or you may discover that recognition isn\u2019t really all that important, and that you have deeper motivations that will sustain you through the inevitable rough stretches everyone has when they\u2019re learning something new.<\/li>
  3. How would your life be different if you were no longer overshadowed by others? Would you feel more courageous, or more determined in your efforts, or would being on the top of the heap somehow help you learn faster?<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    At some point, it may occur to you, as it has to me, that comparing yourself to others doesn\u2019t help you learn better or practice more. Say that you discover yourself in a group of ten others all studying the same topic. After comparing yourself, you realize you are the \u201ctop dog\u201d among this group. The next day, you find yourself among another group, all of whom are better than you are. On day one, you feel strong and encouraged, but on day two you feel discouraged and beaten down. But guess what? You haven\u2019t changed between day one and day two. Your skills weren\u2019t better yesterday but somehow worse today. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The comparison hasn\u2019t helped you improve. In fact, feeling overly adept yesterday might make you relax and stop trying because you\u2019re clearly awesome, but on day two you might want to give up training forever, since you\u2019re so bad compared to these paragons around you. If feeling overshadowed is making you glum, try your best to stop comparing, and just focus on showing up and practicing with focus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I won\u2019t pretend to understand what drives people like top athletes to be the best in the world. I\u2019m not interested in being \u201cthe best\u201d at anything, and I\u2019m not sure how my quality of life would be better if someone declared me to be \u201cthe best\u201d at something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If you are willing to consider my advice, it would be this: find something to do that gives you personal satisfaction and dive into it. Do it for its own sake, for your own sake, and because you love it, not because you can be better than someone else at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I suggest to you that if you adopt this attitude, of doing things because they are interesting, or fun, or challenging, you’ll have a happier, more satisfying life than if you spend your time worrying about how you compare with others.
    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I responded to the question \u201cHow does one stop feeling bad and overshadowed by everyone else?\u201d \u201cIf you are learning something difficult, try not to compare your progress with that of other students. It doesn’t help you, and only fosters a false pride or a false discouragement.\u201d I wrote that statement a last year, while … Continue reading “Feeling Overshadowed”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[59],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-philosophizing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pgY3e-jL","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":794,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=794","url_meta":{"origin":1225,"position":0},"title":"My fifth Toastmasters speech: Getting physical","author":"Jorah","date":"November 16, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"The assignment for this, my fifth Toastmasters speech and with the project name \"Your Body Speaks\" was to express myself physically as I gave the speech, so I walked when I described walking, bowed when I described myself bowing, etc. My uniform is a simple pair of trousers, the legs\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Toastmasters"","block_context":{"text":"Toastmasters","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=62"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":556,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=556","url_meta":{"origin":1225,"position":1},"title":"A tiny fragment of insight this morning…","author":"Jorah","date":"June 11, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"A few months ago I realized that just working out wasn't helping me make any progress on my goal of getting lean. 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