{"id":229,"date":"2006-05-30T12:30:00","date_gmt":"2006-05-30T17:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=229"},"modified":"2010-10-17T17:14:29","modified_gmt":"2010-10-17T22:14:29","slug":"dave-barry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=229","title":{"rendered":"Dave Barry"},"content":{"rendered":"

A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue<\/a>
by DAVE BARRY <\/p>\n

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you’re a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you’d have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, it appears we’re in for another bad season. The National Center for Making Everybody Nervous About Hurricanes is predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined as “hurricanes that cause Bryan Norcross to lose his voice.” According to the center’s computer simulations, at least four of those storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at 150 mph, to impale you through your chest. (Bear in mind that these are only predictions. It could also be your skull.)<\/p>\n

IMPORTANT TIPS<\/h3>\n

That’s why it is so important that you be ready for hurricane season. Here are some tips to help you prepare:<\/p>\n

When a hurricane is approaching South Florida, we get a LOT of advance warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, Bryan spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on water, gas and food.<\/p>\n

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I’ll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida – lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of – water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clueby DAVE BARRY The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you’re a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you’d have moved … Continue reading “Dave Barry”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-post"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pgY3e-3H","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":187,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=187","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":0},"title":"National Next of Kin Registry and other ways to find people lost in","author":"Jorah","date":"September 2, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Some links to resources for locating missing persons:Coast Guard Missing Persons Registry:http:\/\/homeport.uscg.mil\/mycg\/portal\/ep\/home.doRegister missing people here:http:\/\/nokr.org\/nok\/restricted\/home.htmThis is a page where you can look for people who have contacted CNN to letothers know that they are safe:http:\/\/www.cnn.com\/SPECIALS\/2005\/hurricanes\/list\/index.htmlThis is a \"master list\" of sites that allow registration of missingpersons and also registration of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":218,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=218","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":1},"title":"Why lobsters aren’t food","author":"Jorah","date":"March 21, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Why lobsters aren't food:BY DAVE BARRY(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 26, 1996.)I am pleased to report that the scientific community has finally stopped wasting time on the origins of the universe and started dealing with the important question, which is: Are lobsters really just big\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":111,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=111","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":2},"title":"Lunar Eclipse Wednesday to Have Easy Viewing Hours","author":"Jorah","date":"October 23, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"John Roach for National Geographic News October 21, 2004 \"Just in time for the Halloween season, the moon Wednesday will treat us to its most famous trick: changing from bright white to reddish as it passes deeply through Earth's shadow. This will be the last total lunar eclipse until March\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":210,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=210","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":3},"title":"Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden Visit October 2005","author":"Jorah","date":"November 13, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Myrriah and I recently took my Mom to visit the Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden to see the Dave Rogers Big Bugs exhibition. This small site documents our visit. While the artist has his own photo gallary online, I don't think I did too badly with these photos, though some are\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":91,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=91","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":4},"title":"BlogChannell","author":"Jorah","date":"September 23, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"BlogChannell Foofoo has started blogging... as Dave might say... \"cool\"","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=10","url_meta":{"origin":229,"position":5},"title":"Since My Nephew and His Wife Are Blogging…","author":"Jorah","date":"April 4, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"...I figured that I might as well start up again. They are at: Dave and Juliet's Universe","rel":"","context":"In "Post"","block_context":{"text":"Post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=30"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=229"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":269,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229\/revisions\/269"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}