{"id":769,"date":"2015-08-30T18:53:59","date_gmt":"2015-08-30T23:53:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=769"},"modified":"2015-12-21T05:47:21","modified_gmt":"2015-12-21T10:47:21","slug":"a-moonlit-highway-long-ago","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=769","title":{"rendered":"My third Toastmasters speech: A moonlit highway long ago"},"content":{"rendered":"

Below is my third Toastmasters speech, given as my entry in a humor contest on August 28. I was made ineligible for the contest because I went over the time limit of seven minutes, but I count it as a success because people<\/em> did<\/span> laugh, and I<\/em> did manage to get up and do a speech without checking any notes while I was speaking.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

Massachusetts is not only more rural than people think; it\u2019s more rural than most people would believe. Massachusetts is very rural, even though it\u2019s about 1\/5 the size of North Carolina while having two-thirds the number of people. The reason for this is that nearly everyone in Massachusetts lives either within a 45 mile circle of Boston, or in a series of other towns and cities that stretch, like pearls on a string, in a long, east-west line of population along old Route 9.<\/p>\n

Route 9 goes from Boston through Framingham, Worcester, and Springfield, and out to the western border with New York. Route 2, along the northern edge of the state, stretches just as far, but there are fewer big towns, and thus it is very isolated in places.<\/p>\n

Charged with patrolling these highways are the troopers of the Massachusetts State Police. The State Police are one of the oldest highway patrol forces in the US, and I suspect that they were the model for many other states when they started up their highway patrols.<\/p>\n

Years ago, before equal opportunity became a concept, the patrol only hired big guys, I think there was a minimum height of 5\u2032 10\u2033, and many of them were much taller than that. They wore knee-high boots, bloused trousers with a stripe down the side, Smokey Bear hats, Sam Browne belts… you know, the kind with the strap that holds up your service revolver? Overall, they were some very serious and impressive-looking dudes.<\/p>\n

These guys are simultaneously the driver\u2019s biggest fear (because they are constantly lurking behind overpasses) and biggest friend, because they\u2019ll stop and help you if you\u2019re broken down.<\/p>\n

Back in the late 1980s, I was unemployed and working as a carpenter for hire. My van had gotten wrecked, and I ended up with a two-door car, a 1970s vehicle that seemed to be about the size of one of today\u2019s sport utility vehicles. I think I paid $75 for it. The driver\u2019s door wouldn\u2019t open, the odometer was broken (which meant I never knew how far I\u2019d driven), and the gas gauge was broken (which meant that I ran out of gas rather often). Being broke, I didn\u2019t try to get the gas gauge fixed; I just bought a five-gallon gas can and kept it in the trunk. When I would run out of gas I would just glide to the side of the road and put in enough gas to get me to the next station.<\/p>\n

I was working as a carpenter, so I needed to be able to carry lumber. I looked at the car and thought… \u201cI can build a roof rack to carry lumber!\u201d But the trunk lid was in the way. So I did what any maker would do; I took a wrench and removed the trunk lid. Now the hinges holding the lid were standing upright, so I bolted some 2\u00d76 boards to them, and ran other 2x6s across the roof and tied them to the front bumper. I was in business!<\/em><\/p>\n

Also in the late 1980s, my wife and I had just gotten married, and for some reason we were totally in love with the idea of homesteading. We poured over every issue of The Mother Earth News,<\/em> she read seed catalogs, we planted a garden, we raised chickens for eggs, built a fancy compost heap, and raised geese; big, gray geese.<\/p>\n

When we got a chance to buy a cabin on five wooded acres in central Mass, we thought we had our homestead! We were very excited. We got the place in the winter and over the next few months we gradually cleaned up the cabin and started moving our stuff. We spent every weekend there and started looking for work.<\/p>\n

Finally, in August, came the last step; moving the chickens and geese out to their new home. The chickens were easy. Put them into large boxes and close the lids. Chickens tend to get very quiet when it\u2019s dark. Geese are another matter.<\/p>\n

Our geese were big. They had really large wing spans and could be ferocious when they were agitated. We consulted Mother Earth News<\/em> and learned the trick for transporting geese. You gather some old feed bags snip off the bottom corner. You take a goose, fold its wings, and carefully put it head-first into the bag until its head emerges from the corner. With their wings restrained they sit quietly. Except that when geese are stressed, they pant rapidly, with their tongues sticking out. Geese in bags are very<\/em> stressed.<\/p>\n

When the big day came, I got off work, got home, got the feed bags, carefully cut a corner off each one, and bagged up geese, setting each one on the back seat of my car. I headed out on the 75 mile drive from the coast to the hills of central Massachusetts.<\/p>\n

Around ten PM, driving up a long, empty stretch of Route 2, the car ran out of gas. No panic, this was something I knew how to do. I glided to the breakdown lane, put on my emergency lights, and got out to fill up the car. The moon was out, and it was a beautiful evening. Suddenly a police car arrived and pulled up behind me, blue flashing lights adding to the overall effect of the moonlight and my car\u2019s hazard lights.<\/p>\n

The trooper got out of his car…<\/p>\n

Trooper: \u201cGood evening, everything okay?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYes, officer. I ran out of gas, but I\u2019ll be on my way shortly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Trooper: \u201cGood, good.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He clicked on his flashlight and shined it on me; long hair, jeans with the knees ripped out. He examined the car\u2019s trunk, with the lid missing and the 2\u00d76 Beverly Hillbillies roof rack. He strolled up next to the car and pointed his light into the back seat.<\/p>\n

He stood there for a long while, not moving.<\/p>\n

Then he clicked off his flashlight, did a smart military turn and marched back to his patrol car \u2014 never looking my way \u2014 got into his cruiser, turned off the lights, and sped away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Below is my third Toastmasters speech, given as my entry in a humor contest on August 28. I was made ineligible for the contest because I went over the time limit of seven minutes, but I count it as a success because people did laugh, and I did manage to get up and do a … Continue reading “My third Toastmasters speech: A moonlit highway long ago”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[62],"tags":[63],"class_list":["post-769","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-toastmasters","tag-speech"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pgY3e-cp","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":752,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=752","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":0},"title":"My first Toastmasters speech: The Icebreaker","author":"Jorah","date":"August 2, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Note: when making a speech to a Toastmasters club, you have to open and close the speech in prescribed fashion. The \"icebreaker\" speech is the standard first speech in the Toastmasters program, designed to get you talking in front of an audience. I procrastinated writing this speech until 10:45 on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Toastmasters"","block_context":{"text":"Toastmasters","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=62"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":771,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=771","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":1},"title":"My second Toastmasters speech: Heroes","author":"Jorah","date":"August 16, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Below is my second Toastmasters speech, built on the requirement that I had to organize my speech properly; with a clear beginning, middle, and end. This is still in the form of the notes I spoke to during the speech. I'm planning to re-write it to fill in the blanks,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Toastmasters"","block_context":{"text":"Toastmasters","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=62"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":794,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=794","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":2},"title":"My fifth Toastmasters speech: Getting physical","author":"Jorah","date":"November 16, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"The assignment for this, my fifth Toastmasters speech and with the project name \"Your Body Speaks\" was to express myself physically as I gave the speech, so I walked when I described walking, bowed when I described myself bowing, etc. My uniform is a simple pair of trousers, the legs\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Toastmasters"","block_context":{"text":"Toastmasters","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=62"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":781,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=781","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":3},"title":"The good things…","author":"Jorah","date":"September 4, 2015","format":"status","excerpt":"I complain. Okay, I complain a lot. But I\u2019m not in a bad mood all the time. Today I thought I\u2019d list a few things I\u2019m happy about this week. It\u2019s been a stressful week, so it\u2019s good to look at some good things, too. First: my arms actually aren't\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Philosophizing"","block_context":{"text":"Philosophizing","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=59"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1219,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=1219","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":4},"title":"What is a great example of coincidence?","author":"Jorah","date":"December 22, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"In the early 1980s, I was hitchhiking from Massachusetts to Virginia to attend a wedding. My brother dropped me off at the junction of the Mass Pike and route 495 that morning, and, about ten minutes later, a trucker picked me up. I rode with him all the way to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Fun stuff"","block_context":{"text":"Fun stuff","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=54"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":709,"url":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?p=709","url_meta":{"origin":769,"position":5},"title":"What are some of the great examples of coincidence?","author":"Jorah","date":"February 8, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"My answer to the above question, posted on Quora... In the early 1980s, I was hitchhiking from Massachusetts to Virginia to attend a wedding. My brother dropped me off at the junction of the Mass Pike and route 495 that morning, and, about ten minutes later, a trucker picked me\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Fun stuff"","block_context":{"text":"Fun stuff","link":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/?cat=54"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/769","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=769"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/769\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":797,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/769\/revisions\/797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=769"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=769"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madstone.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=769"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}