Somewhere in late 2023 I essentially stopped ‘doing’ social media. Since I first got online in…1995? …I’ve been a very active participant in several different forms of what’s now called social media. I chatted on email-based and eventually Web-based forums, was one of the early adopters of Twitter, eagerly used Google Plus, had a very active Ravelry account for years… but after three years of therapy I’ve learned some skills and gained some ability to notice patterns that lead me toward depressive episodes. I couldn’t any longer ignore the damage that my being on Twitter and even Mastodon was doing to me. I mourn the loss of my social accounts, because I’m not at all a social person in real life, and I had some quite good acquaintances on those platforms. I’m definitely more isolated now, but the need to check to see if anyone had replied to or ‘liked’ some post, the need to be clever, to get constant affirmation of some abstract sense of worth, that was not good for me. I had some very dark times over the last decade… obviously that’s not all down to my Twitter usage, but I realized that I need to be doing something with the physical reality around me. I have interests that I’ve been ignoring for years, with all my attention pulled into computer chatter.
Since getting off Mastodon (and I need to decide if I’m going to actually delete my account or just let it sit there), I’ve gradually been taking up things like writing my journal, sketching, taking photos, trying to meditate, reading books again, walking in the woods, exercising…. I’ve been looking into learning to make wooden furniture, I’ve learned the basics of soap making. This is no coherent project of de-computerizing my life, it is still just random impulses in my time outside of my day job (where I maintain intranet sites… about as unreal a way to earn a living as I can imagine), but I feel much better. If you have mental health challenges like I do, you know that there’s no expectation that you’ll ever be fine; managing a personality disorder is something like exploring a new land; ups and downs, bad and good days. But having more good days, and fewer dark days, weeks, and months, is something I have learned to greatly value. Every time I can get away from the computer is another grain of reality deposited on the balance scale, tilting things a tiny bit toward stability.
And yes, I’m well aware that I’m writing this on a laptop when I should be cleaning the shed. I didn’t say I was perfect, did I? If computers weren’t something close to addictive for me, there wouldn’t be a challenge in getting away from them.
I’m writing this a few days after the second most discouraging federal election of my life, and I can tell I’m teetering on a serious downswing. I’m going to take literal steps to keep fighting for my mental and physical wellness. I’m going to keep training for my planned first footrace in January; I’ll keep my strength workout schedule; I’ll keep writing in my journal; I’ll clean the house; I’ll fold the laundry; I’ll read a real, physical book; I’ll try not to let my catastrophizing* mind obsess about my retirement account or what will happen to my LGBTQA+ friends and family; I’ll get outside as much as possible… I’ll keep trying to find things I can influence and not worry so much about those I can’t.
In the short term, if this long weekend goes well, by the time I go back to work on Wednesday I’ll have done some house cleaning, cleared off my soap workbench and made a batch or perhaps a couple of batches of soap. I’ll have cleaned and organized my woodworking bench and at least started building a shaving horse. If I’m successful in my plans, I’ll also have carved out time to go to the local park and walked on some trails. Wish me luck.
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*Catastrophizing involves believing that you’re in a worse situation than you really are or exaggerating your difficulties. It can be a symptom of anxiety or depression. It is a type of cognitive distortion. Therapy and medications can help people reduce, or stop catastrophizing. … Think about your thinking. To end excessive worrying, you must first become aware that you’re doing it. Notice your triggers. Take note of what may have preceded your downward spiral of thinking. Challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself if the end-of-days thoughts you’re having are true. -Dr. Anet Varghese